What I love about Kathmandu

Kathmandu, Nepal

Honk. Honk. Honk honk. Beeeep. Bee-beep. Honnnk.



Hello. Hello. Where you from? Australia. Australia, capital Canberra! Wow, that's right! When you arrive Nepal? Yesterday. First time Nepal? Yes. How long Nepal? Two weeks. You go trek? Oh, no, I'm not really sure. I can guide you, we can have tea, we can talk? Um, no thanks. Why not? Uh, what? Why not? Uh, sorry I'm not interested. Why not? Sorry, thank you. Where you stay? Sorry, thanks.

Ugh, it's hot and dusty. Ugh, it's pissing down rain. Shit, I stepped in a massive puddle. Shit, my sandal got stuck in the mud. Shit, was that animal piss? Shit, was that human shit? Shit, my sandals flick filth up on my legs, clothes, hands when I walk. (I tell myself it's only mud.) Shit, is that a dead rat? Shit, did I just step on what that fuck was that a chunk of animal guts filled with animal blood?



No I don't want to go trekking. No I don't want to go rafting. No I don't want a guide to tell me about this building. No I don't want a taxi. No I don't want a rickshaw. No I don't want marijuana. No I don't want hashish. No I don't want cocaine.

Honk to warn you of danger. Honk to tell you to get out of my way. Honk to say I'm turning left. Honk to say I'm approaching a blind corner. Honk to test your hearing. Honk to say it's Tuesday. Honk just to fit in. Honk like it's a mating call and I'm looking for a mate. Honk because what else would I do when I'm driving? Honk honk honk. Taxi goes honk, motor scooter goes beep. Car with a Kathman-doo-dee horn goes doo-dee-doo-dee-doo-dee. Rickshaw with a clown horn taped to the end of a shampoo bottle goes haw-hee haw-hee. A man hangs out of a bus and shouts something at everyone he passes. A man on a bicycle makes is that a kissing sound in lieu of a horn. Honk! Beep! Doo-dee-doo-dee-doo-dee! Honk honk! Haw-hee haw-hee! Honk honk beep beep ssssmooch (something yelled in Nepali or Newari who knows) honnnk!



Wow, what a wonderful smell! Beautiful incense burning in that little shop. Wow, what a horrible smell! Putrid garbage piled in the street, Franken-dogs made of spare parts, with fur like botched hair plugs sprouting from eczema, prowling and tearing at it like they were in a nature documentary, giant grey-hooded crows nearby taking their share.

Wow, what gorgeous flavoursome food! Dhal bat with the tastiest vegetable curry! Vegetable momos kothey (think pot stickers filled with dry curry)! Egg and vegetable katti rolls (think thin naan covered in egg on one side wrapped around dry curry)! Decadent and divine gulab jamuns, laddus, burfis (sweets, Google 'em)! Wow, what amazing Western food, what delicious pizza, what exceptional Mexican (think huevos rancheros on a corn pancake), what fabulous coffee! Wow, what dreadful coffee, what dry and flavourless pastry that looked so promising, what disappointing coffee, what painful coffee, what heinous coffee!



Hello. Namaste. Namaste, where you from? Australia. Goo-day mate, capital Canberra. Yes. When you arrive Nepal? Five days ago. First time Nepal? Yes. How long Nepal? Another week or so. You go trek? Look, I'm sorry I'm not interested. No no, I'm just talking to you, I like to practise English. (A few minutes of shadowing and small talk.) Please some rupees / Please buy for me some biscuits / Please can you buy some milk for my sister (shop owner, without a word from my companion, introduces a huge tin of powdered milk that costs more than three proper dinners).



No I don't want to buy a beaded necklace. No, I don't want to buy a small embroidered purse thing; my girlfriend, sister, mother will understand. No, I don't want to buy your flute. No, I don't want to buy your string instrument. No I don't want to buy a giant fucking knife, yes I understand you said it's official Nepalese army. (Oh my god! Are you going to pull that out at me as you walk across the street?) No I don't want to buy a packet of Tiger Balm, No I don't want to buy two packets of Tiger Balm. No I don't want to buy a dozen packets of Tiger Balm. (Jesus, does anyone? Surely, over time, trial and error would favour something more practical like Immodium, laxitive, anything to manage your gastrointestinal tract. Dear god the unprecedented... let's just say Kathmand-don't drink the water.)

That looks like some sort of temple or shrine back through there, no one's going in there, I wonder what's back there....



Peace.
Beauty.
Timelessness.

...

Take a deep breath, and....



Honk honk honk honk honk. Hello. Namaste. Where did you get that shirt, where did you buy it? / I like your hair / I like your shoes / I like your earrings / I like your teeth / I like your laugh. Thank you. Beep beep honk. Where you from? Australia. Capital Canberra. Yes, that's what everybody says. Doo-dee-doo-dee honnk honnnnk!