Receiving is an act of bravery

Today, I let a stranger do something nice for me. And I was struck by how much I fought against it before I realized what I was doing.

I was running an errand as a volunteer intern for the theater where I am studying improvisation, picking up groceries from a market in Hollywood. Parking anywhere in LA is a minefield, and punishment is usually swift and brutal. I docked my Yaris in a near-ish space that was available only because that particular side of the street was fifteen minutes from switching to a 'No Parking: Street Cleaning' zone. I hoped it would be enough time.

As I returned to my car, pushing a laden cart, five minutes to spare, I noticed a Parking Enforcement prowler poised at the ready a short distance from my vehicle. The officer was a grave-looking woman wearing shades and reading the paper, just waiting to clock in. I unloaded the larder and pushed the cart to a safe, out-of-the-way spot (I digress to point out there are those who would have simply bolted at this point).

I approached the officer's car and knocked on the window. After a less-than-subtle expression of annoyance, she cracked the window as microscopically as she was able.

"I know time is almost up; I want to return this cart to the store, it's just around the corner. Will you give me a ticket if I go?"

A shrug. I guess so.

Then, another woman, the attendant at a nearby parking garage, got my attention. I saw that I could park there for fifteen minutes for $2, and thought that was better than a surefire ticket or appearing to abandon the cart as I looked for a new spot (I'll be honest, it was more about the inconvenience to me). She invited me to just park there while I returned the cart.

What? I probably misunderstood. Anyway, I was already resigned to paying the fee.

As I walked away, I saw her explaining something to do with me to another uniformed person, perhaps the manager. As I returned from retuning the cart, she made more gestures that indicated she was not going to charge me. I was thinking I would insist, 'do the right thing,' pay the $2.

Then I realized, to do so would be to rob this nice woman of her act of generosity. I would be saying, "No," rudely denying her, throwing a fat wall up between us. In my heart, I knew she had sympathy for me, I knew she wanted to let me park for free, yet I was about to give her the finger in the form of two bucks. What an asshole.

So I sucked it up, simply smiled and said, "Thank you so much!"

And I wondered how often I had done this, slapped someone in the face because I was uncomfortable accepting an unconditional gift, all the while beaming with pride for how fair and honorable I thought I was.

And I vowed to watch more closely from now on, and to try to muster the courage to let people give me things they want to give me, say thank you, sit in that feeling, share a moment of grace.

Writing for dollars

I have a new job! My first work as a freelance writer for the music channel of entertainment website IGN was published today. It's a brief review of Chris Cornell's latest album, Scream. In itself it's a very humble beginning, but you can read it here.

I want to be careful not to get ahead of myself, but at this point indicators are good that (very) soon I will be a regular. I am excited by the prospect of writing professionally, and that the focus will be music is an incredible bit of good fortune. I am a little anxious as I am fully aware that writing to a deadline (and often about things I may not totally connect with) is its own skill and I will need to learn quickly.

I will be writing under my professional name, Finn White. I haven't asked if there is a mechanism for following a particular author, but the IGN Music RSS Feed should include everything I contribute if you are interested.

It's the end of the 'round the world

Last October and November, I started to notice a change in the way it felt to be traveling. I declared it the emotional end to my latest around the world travels, though it still clearly felt nowhere near the end of the journey. On 18 December, another end of these travels milestone was reached when I arrived at my new home in Los Angeles. And now I can report the technical conclusion of travels, as yesterday I officially canceled the final leg of my around the world ticket, the flight that would have taken me back to Sydney where it all began almost nine months ago. Nine months, hmmm...

On the practical side, I was holding out to see if I could get a relatively inexpensive visit to Sydney in there, given that half the trip was already paid for. But for a while now I have suspected the timing was going to be bad, for me personally as I did not expect to feel established and stable enough to want to leave my new home. And that feels true.

As much as at any point during my traveling, I feel like so much of the real journey still lies ahead. I do not yet have that feeling of strength and confidence; that all of my self-disruption, leaning heavily on the generous hearts of my friends and taxing their love and patience, bewilderment and (often too public) navel-gazing has amounted to something. I am unsure and sad and sometimes lonely. I still have that light of hope and knowing this is the right path, but right now it feels a little distant, like there is so much more ground to cover than I expected, and right now it is a furious struggle to ask of myself little more than to be patient and stay the course with my eyes and heart open.

And I have been watching airfares for round trip flights between LAX and Sydney, and it is a shocker, in a good way. As of this writing, the best price is $700 on United, departing February to mid September. That's amazing! It should mean a visit to Australia will be totally doable, and that it can be at a time that works a little better for me emotionally and also will more truthfully feel like a visit TO Sydney FROM my home in LA (I do not devalue these seemingly minor technical differences).

And so the trip is ended. I will continue to visit this blog. It was never intended to be solely a travel blog. I should have plenty of musings left to muse. And I can hardly be less frequent than I have been lately, and at least I won't be making pseudo posts with only itinerary changes. Maybe I could blog my grocery lists?