Today, I let a stranger do something nice for me. And I was struck by how much I fought against it before I realized what I was doing.
I was running an errand as a volunteer intern for the theater where I am studying improvisation, picking up groceries from a market in Hollywood. Parking anywhere in LA is a minefield, and punishment is usually swift and brutal. I docked my Yaris in a near-ish space that was available only because that particular side of the street was fifteen minutes from switching to a 'No Parking: Street Cleaning' zone. I hoped it would be enough time.
As I returned to my car, pushing a laden cart, five minutes to spare, I noticed a Parking Enforcement prowler poised at the ready a short distance from my vehicle. The officer was a grave-looking woman wearing shades and reading the paper, just waiting to clock in. I unloaded the larder and pushed the cart to a safe, out-of-the-way spot (I digress to point out there are those who would have simply bolted at this point).
I approached the officer's car and knocked on the window. After a less-than-subtle expression of annoyance, she cracked the window as microscopically as she was able.
"I know time is almost up; I want to return this cart to the store, it's just around the corner. Will you give me a ticket if I go?"
A shrug. I guess so.
Then, another woman, the attendant at a nearby parking garage, got my attention. I saw that I could park there for fifteen minutes for $2, and thought that was better than a surefire ticket or appearing to abandon the cart as I looked for a new spot (I'll be honest, it was more about the inconvenience to me). She invited me to just park there while I returned the cart.
What? I probably misunderstood. Anyway, I was already resigned to paying the fee.
As I walked away, I saw her explaining something to do with me to another uniformed person, perhaps the manager. As I returned from retuning the cart, she made more gestures that indicated she was not going to charge me. I was thinking I would insist, 'do the right thing,' pay the $2.
Then I realized, to do so would be to rob this nice woman of her act of generosity. I would be saying, "No," rudely denying her, throwing a fat wall up between us. In my heart, I knew she had sympathy for me, I knew she wanted to let me park for free, yet I was about to give her the finger in the form of two bucks. What an asshole.
So I sucked it up, simply smiled and said, "Thank you so much!"
And I wondered how often I had done this, slapped someone in the face because I was uncomfortable accepting an unconditional gift, all the while beaming with pride for how fair and honorable I thought I was.
And I vowed to watch more closely from now on, and to try to muster the courage to let people give me things they want to give me, say thank you, sit in that feeling, share a moment of grace.